ONCE UPON A TIME, when I was a young fella, about eleven or twelve,
one place we used to go, was called BALLINCOLLIG CASTLE.
It was a most beautiful place. We’d get together in the morning, round up the bicycles, myself, Dave Murf, Johnny Isaac, Davy Isaac, Brendan Holland, maybe Richie Leonard, Jimmy O’ Hea, and we’d ride out of town; Bozo the dog running along behind the bicycles, in case we got attacked. He was a massive DOG. Nobody knew who owned Bozo, but he’d follow those Isaac boys to the ends of the earth. ANYWAY, we’d stop at the shop, and we’d ride out of town, out into the countryside. Well, the sun would be shining, the birds would be singing, out to Ballincollig, up the back road, past the mill, down the hill, through the gap, and there, three fields across, there she stood, Beautiful Ballincollig Castle, all shining in the morning sunlight, all GENTLE, and NOBLE, like an ancient castle from a FAIRYTALE.
Well, we took the castle, we defended the castle, we fought and died for Ireland in Ballincollig Castle, we climbed the tower, we lit the fire.

And then, Ladies and Gentlemen, then the sun climbed high into the sky and fell down the other side, and that day ended, and the following day ended, and Time went by, and next thing, incredibly! Unbelievably! I grew to be a MAN!

And I forgot all about that time in Ballincollig Castle,

UNTIL…… One day, I happened to be out that way, I happened to have some Time on my hands. I thought I would go and visit the old castle, and see how things stood with her. Well, I DROVE IN MY CAR, out to Ballincollig, up the back road, past the mill, down the hill, looking for the castle. No sign of any castle. Out the road, back in the road, I met a man by the side of the road – “Where’s the castle?”
“Ah” he said, “It’s very hard to get to it now” he said,
“Over there, behind the trees”.
Because Ladies and Gentlemen, a great forest of houses had grown in all the fields around Ballincollig since I was a boy, and a great forest of THORN TREES had grown all around the old castle itself! Well, I fought my way through the thorns, and scratched and bleeding, I stumbled at last on the OLD KEEP.
And there she stood – as beautiful as ever – BEAUTIFUL BALLICOLLIG CASTLE, all shining in the morning sunlight, all GENTLE, and NOBLE, like an ancient castle, from a FAIRYTALE! About a million crushed and battered beer cans shining like GOLD and SILVER in the morning sunlight, all around her feet!
ANYWAY, I walked around, and the memories came rushing back. I was wondering what happened the lads. I climbed the tower, and I fell into a DREAM, and there, in the topmost turret, of the topmost tower of Ballincollig Castle, I saw…….
The most beautiful WOMAN you have ever seen, lying there, on a bed of ROSES. She opened her eyes. “John” she said, “ I thought you’d never get here!”
‘I know’ I said, “Life’s been tough, but here I am now’.
ANYWAY Ladies and Gentlemen, at that exact second ,a freezing, chilling, knifing, a BITTER wind blew through the cold stone GLASSLESS windows of the tower, and I turned around, and SHE WAS GONE!

ANYWAY, about ten days later, I was inside in a pub in town, and I was introduced to this woman. We were introduced by a poet called Diarmuid Ó Dálaigh. I recognised her instantly as the woman I had glimpsed in my vision in the tower. After that, Ladies and Gentlemen, we got to know each other, and then, eventually, we fell, in LOVE, slowly, but surely, and after that, we lived, together, for a long time, together, we lived,

HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. If there’s any lies in it, they can stay there now! All I got for it was a pair of Golden Wings, a Silver Crown, and a Place in Heaven!

<------Back